I am becoming dumb.

Nowadays, I don't think. I just look at thrashy stuff on the internet. Oh, on that, the other day, I saw this picture of some guy cosplaying spiderman. His outfit is like skin tight. Literally. Because you can even see the exact shape of his penis. Looks really uncomfortable. Oh, for the viewer as well of course.

In this case, me. My eyes..!

Anyway, so me becoming dumb led me to thinking about things that I never really sat and ponder over before. that day, I came to this conclusion that "normal" does not exist. Which after that I realise that it is probably something that everyone already knows. and I spent so much time thinking about it.

There is no such thing as a normal person because everyone is different. (no brainer) But of course, when we refer to normal, we usually mean like similar characteristics that are common among most people. At least, in that society. But then again, it doesn't make sense. No one is normal because I am sure everyone has something that is their own. Or not very normal.. That is a characteristic, or a skill that belongs to a minority group. so that makes the person not very normal.

But if we were to imagine a person who is like totally normal in every aspect. Like normal face, normal voice, normal personality (whatever that means), does normal things etc etc. Then this person is definitely not very normal. This is kind of strange isn't it? Before you are so normal, you are abnormal.

At this point, I loled. I actually think about stupid things like that. I must be getting dumb.

In any case, I come to the conclusion that normal is not normal. and if you are absolutely normal, then you cannot be normal. Which is strange and doesn't make sense. Point is, I am dumb.

On another note, I suddenly find having friends tiring. Because friends are people you want to talk to but don't live together. So have to spend the time and effort to meet and talk etc. It is unlike family. You don't have to talk to family. either there is nothing to talk about or they are always around. somehow, family is link by this tie that doesn't really fade. You don't become strangers when you stop contacting.

Blah. I am sick.

I saw this wonderful history thing of kimura takuya the other day. And now I am convinced that this guy can do no wrong. No one can ever replace him in Japan. And he is not even that good looking. talent? luck? X factor? don't know.

But he can do no wrong.

The conversations today made me realise that humans are ultimately creatures of emotions. Not that we are ruled by our feelings.. not to that extreme. I mean, we are capable of rational thinking, we have the ability to think through things, reason it out etc etc. But sometimes, the state of mind that we are in prevents us from doing so. And more often than not, we get carried away.

I think it is especially true when it comes to the relationship between people. Somehow, we can reason out everything but the relationship between people. Of course, feelings and relationships are fundamentally illogical things and thus, it is probably useless pondering over something illogical. But I guess when it gets in the way of other things, like maybe affecting your ability to live or your daily life, then it becomes a problem.

But there is nothing we can do about it. Because it is illogical. For me, if I ever feel like the irrational part of me is taking over, I will try and bring myself out of the situation. By pretending to be like a third party. But of course, that is kind of hard to do. I start by making detailed observations of things around me, then things around start to feel like an image from the TV.

But even so, it is impossible to escape it completely.

which is why I think that even the smartest, most intellectual people have random stupid behaviors.

even raito's ideal world cannot escape his own desires. If he was that rational, he wouldn't have the random rahhh... let me kill you to show L I can kill periods. And michael from prison break actually fell in love and because of that have many changes to his plans. Kurosagi said he didn't need love or friendship but cannot help feeling anger and sadness. Tykki, the coolest villain I think ever existed, is so sadistic and twisted and yet, he had people whom he wanted to protect.

I have not yet seen a show with a character that is not affected by feelings. I wonder if such a person even exist.

ah wells, I shall not ponder over illogical things. Because there is no end to it.

Tonight
FM Static

Now I know why he is loved.

I always wondered why Kimura Takuya is so popular. I mean, this guy is like the King of jdramas or something. And that Gatsby advertisments just make him look stupid. He is not exactly young either. And the fact that he is married with kids should be enough to turn many people off. Still, he has great ratings. And even with the many upcoming JE pretties, I don't think his place in the entertainment industry is going to go anytime soon.

The first time I saw KimuTaku is on some magazine and I thought ok, not bad looking. Of course, after that I realised that photos are usually photoshopped and this guy is really not that good looking. He has that old saggy cheeks and messy hair that kind of make him look gay. Even when he was younger... well... there were better looking ones.

That day, I watched a kimutaku drama. And just the first episode made me realise why he is so loved. I don't know why, but he is just so charming. I think it is charisma. And he became really good looking in his role. so yes, I think he will stay king for quite some time. this guy is cool.

I still like Yamapi though.

Anyway, I was on this forum the other day and the people were talking about hentai addiction. I always thought that hentai animes are just like NC16 movies in the anime world. Like, stronger sexual content than most movies but still in the ok region. So I thought, so weird... why would anyone get addicted to that. cartoon characters being all over each other... wouldn't you rather watch the real thing?

So I decided to watch some hentai myself to find out.

Boy was I wrong about the stronger sexual content part. hentai is just PORN. like really. Like porn anime! I watched 1 episode of blade angel and 1 episode of after school lessons and it was just porn.

basically, the anime has no plot. I mean, it has a plot but one that is not significant. three quarters of the anime is just sex. Blade angel is about this weird organisation which has a super horny female monster as the leader. And there are these big and weird monsters with penises that go around raping girls. And there is this heroin called blade angel who supposedly uphold justice and god knows what crap. But the funny thing is, she only appears after the girls are like raped (many many times at different places) and for someone who saves people from giant dicks, you would kind of expect her to wear more things. But no... she is basically naked except for some blingbling. So for most part of the anime, you just see vaginal sex, oral sex and anal sex performed over and over again in different angles. And it is cartoon.

How is that suppose to be addicting? It is not even real.

And the way they draw penises... OMG. So scary. It really looks like something on a monster. Yes, even the penises that belong to humans look like parts of a monster. They just don't look like something that belongs to a human body.

Yes, so I decided that to be addicted to hentai anime is just dumb. Hentai is stupid.. and boring. I wonder why the world is like that.

Three days before ah gong died, I went to visit him. At that time, he was already lying on his bed, he couldn't even sit up, he couldn't even talk. He just stares. At that time, I thought, finally, finally he is going to go. The people around him will probably be relieved. When ah gong was sick, he wasn't a nice man. He wouldn't listen to people, he swears and he pees and spits all over the place.

But that day, I learnt something. I learnt that the ah gong I knew was totally different from the father and the husband they knew. The ah gong I knew was a tall, thin man who always smiles so kindly. He likes to pat my head when I was young and told me how beautiful I am. But that day, as they were talking about him, I realised that he was never a good father, or a good husband. There and then, I wondered if these people would actually miss him when he dies. Or that all they will remember are just the bad things that he did.

That day, I heard 2 things. My uncle from thailand cannot come back because of the fish season to see my ah gong before he goes. And he hasn't seen him for years, and my ah gong is always talking about how much he wants to see him. And that my cousins were planning to visit him together that coming saturday.

Who was to know that that coming saturday, we would all be praying at the wake.

On wednesday night, we received a call. My ah gong turned black suddenly while eating, they asked my mum to go down because they don't think he can make it any longer. then a few minutes later, we were informed that he died. There and then, I thought, finally. My sister even had an amused look on her face. We have never faced death before and it just felt strange. I was told to cancel all appointments. We have to be at the wake.

Thursday was the first day. I spent my time folding paper. It was supposed to be money for ah gong. I sat away from where most of my cousins were. Xi was walking around. Angela jie, jie, gor, wj and xy were burning the paper. I wondered where wei was. I went home at 11 that night and wondered whether it was going to be like this for the rest of the days.

Friday night, wei was there. gor and angela jie wasnt. I spent the first half of the evening teasing wj and the next half of the evening stoning by myself. Again, I was away from the crowd. My sis later came and told me that wei thought I was mad at him because the he called me fat. Obviously wei doesn't know me very well. Oh, speaking of which, I haven't seen him for about 2 years already. so I stoned the second night away.

Third night was some sort of ceremony where all children and grandchildren must attend. So everybody was there and we all had to wear white tshirts. There was a few rounds to the ceremony. We had to like sit then kneel then stand... I don't know, it was just some weird things. Oh, and we can only wear socks and no shoes. There were breaks in between rounds but the whole thing was about 3 to 4 hours. My dad is son-in-law and he had to wear some weird hat which looks like that of a chef's. I have never seen all my relatives gathered like that before. And for us grandchildren, we haven't all been together in one place since more than 10 years ago. The wake is like some sort of gathering. People drink, play majong and talk loudly. And for me, to see my cousins all again, is such a strange feeling. Then after the ceremony, they torched the house and all the paper we folded the other day. And it was like some sort of symbolism. We prayed and shouted for ah gong to come stay in  the house and we were told to all walk away without looking back.

I sat around a table with a few cousins and were just talking and fooling around. Oh yes, that day I talked abit to xi. He told me that he needed a new girlfriend. He said, go tell your friends your cousin thomas is big, tall and handsome. lol. Xi is so funny. Though he can be alittle simple minded some time, he is very nice. He is the oldest grandson and they had this weird custom that oldest grandson=youngest son. So he was like in a different rank. So during the ceremony he kneeled with the uncles instead of with us. I found that weird.

The third day ended with the kids packing up the tables, chairs and banners. Xi, wei and wj stayed the night. Xi stayed for 3 nights, wei for 2 and wj for just that night. Sigh.. boys. The third days ended with loads of mixed feelings. I found it extremely strange to have all my cousins around me all participating in the same activity. I also suddenly realised that my ah gong is gone and he is never going to come back.

Today was the funeral and the cremation. I woke up early to get to the place. Wei was at the void deck, xi and wj went to sleep in the morning. Changed, had breakfast and it was like more waiting. There was this band playing music and the place where the offerings are placed changed. There were like more tables of offerings and the coffin was no longer covered behind the yellow room. Everyone changed into their whirt shirts and SAME white socks (ewww.). there was like more waiting and the ceremony starts again. More kneeling and standing and sitting...I cannot remember much of what we did but there was something like a "final walk".

The descendants were all told to hold some paper and walk in a circle around the coffin and throw the paper at the same time. It was like the last time for us to look at ah gong's body. The band played "auld lang syne". Ah ma was wheeled in a wheelchair to see him first though ah ma doesn't know what was going on. She knew the previous night and she forgot it today. My ah gong's other wife came and see him too. My oldest uncle then led the "group" and we walked around the coffin. When my eldest uncle looked into the coffin, he started crying. I have never seen him cry. He is always joking around with us and everything. He looked so sad then. Then I realised that the uncles and aunties were all crying. Wj who was in front of me turned around and smiled and commented that everyone is crying. then as we walked, I realised that angela jie, jie and wei were all red-eyed and sniffing. I totally wasn't surprised that angela jie and jie were crying since they are like totally emotional girls. But wei? ok, I don't know him very well but he doesn't look the type. And later, I found out that xi cried too. shocked. I wonder whether gor cried though. He was sort of not in sight.

So after all the sniffing and crying, we were told to turn around and not look back once more. Then we lined up according to our "ranks". And there was this loud howl from behind. It was ahpo, my half grandma. She was so sad, and she wouldn't stopped crying. And somehow, it was over and we had to sit by the coffin, boys one side and girls the other. Then the sons-in-law and the goddaughters did the individual prayers. The coffin was then moved up to this truck and we all had to follow behind to accompany my ah gong on his final journey.

We walked on the road in socks. had a small talk with gor during the journey. He asked me whether I feel even a little sad. I told him death is not sad, the process of dying is the sad part.

We walked a short distance and got into a bus which drove us all the way to the crematorium.

At the crematorium, more bowing, kneeling, sitting etc. We gave our last bow to ah gong who is no longer visible as the covered the transparent part of the coffin. Then we went to the viewing hall to see the coffin wheeled into the oven thingy. At the viewing hall, crying crying crying. But this time, the grandchildren didn't cry. I think because there was no sad music and the thing was like fully automated. So not much there. Then we went on the bus again to get to this place where my uncle, the eldest, placed my ah gong's photo on some platform thing. There were many photos of dead people there.

We had to hold joss sticks. Well, during the ceremony on the third day and the funeral morning, we had to like hold joss sticks most of the time. But at that place with many photos, it was extremely difficult. Very smoky. My eyes were like so painful. And it was squeezy too. some of the photos had like clouds background.

Then we all went back to the bus and back to the voiddeck where lunch is all ready served. Xi was very nice to keep taking fish for me. Wei, angela jie and jie started talking about the death of my great grandma. I wasn't born then so I just listened.

We were hurried back to the house. The kids other then xi were left there and the adults had to go collect the ashes. Angela jie ordered pizza for us. Fooled around a little. then, wei, gor and jie went home while the rest of us waited for the adults. Wei said after today, god knows when we will see him again. And he added, definitely not cny. Yes. So I finally got home at around 6.30, and feeling so tired.

Xi was telling us about how he thought ah gong came back on two of nights he stayed. I thought it was probably imagination. But things, like that, you never know.

We were all brought together again by ah gong's death. The people are the same, the feelings so different. I wonder when the next time is going to be. But I think that my cousins, they are not bad people. I think if I meet them on the streets, I will probably say hi. Because being with them these few days reminded me that though we are not close, these people were part of my growing up process and they played a huge role in it. They are totally not my type of people and we only talk because we are family. That makes it so rare. They were all talking about the last time they saw ah gong. How they always said they will go together and it got postponed and postponed. Two years have passed, and they saw him, just that he is now lying in a coffin. Wei said that. And it was pretty funny when he said it.

It is not possible to not feel sad after a funeral. Especially when you participated in all the byebye ceremonies. I am a little scared actually of what will happen when it is my ah ma's turn to go. It will be 10 times worst since we are all closer to her then ah gong. I am scared of feeling sad. Does that make sense? Unlike my cousins, I don't think I can cry.

Anyway, I have never attended a funeral before. This is a first. And it will not be the last. At the end of it, all I have to say is, rest in peace, ah gong.